Cunnilingus is next to godliness.

Faith, n: removing variable length row indicators That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.

Love comes in spurts. --Devo, "Please Please"

"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier

Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two ibm privacy - united states points. -- M. M. Johnston

Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

I ibm privacy - united states am an atheist, thank God!

A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work free online programming documentation, tutorials, references and books (thefreecountry.com) until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.

Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the fun?

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

======================================================================= || || || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || || || ======================================================================= Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: "Fortune Cookie" Directed by Steven Spielberg. Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. Special Effects by Timothy Leary. Read the Warner paperback! Invoke the Unix program! Soundtrack on XTC Records. In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal centers.

Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint. -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus".

Hear about... the hurricane that recently internet struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?

dicker, v: What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.

He: Do you like Kipling? She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!

Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get astring there. Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.

One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it bhogal is the best way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.

Have you ever noticed that at trade shows Microsoft is always the one giving away ibm exec defends proprietary middleware on linux stress balls... -- From a Slashdot.org post

It is against table txt xml oracle extract the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.

# $OpenBSD: Makefile,v 1.6 2003/09/26 03:08:44 beck Exp $ # $NetBSD: Makefile,v 1.15 1996/02/29 00:21:16 jtc Exp $ # @(#)Makefile 8.2 (Berkeley) 4/19/94 SRCS= fortunes fortunes2 startrek zippy recipes BLDS= fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat \ fortunes-o fortunes-o.dat recipes.dat # TO INSTALL THE POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE FORTUNES, UNCOMMENT THE THREE # LINES AND COMMENT OUT THE FOURTH LINE. # THE THREE LINES SRCS+= fortunes2-o limerick BLDS+= fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat TYPE= real # THE FOURTH LINE #TYPE= fake CLEANFILES+=${BLDS} STRFILE!=cd $(.CURDIR)/../strfile; \ printf "xxx:\n\techo \$${.OBJDIR}/strfile\n" | \ ${MAKE} -r -s -f - xxx | grep strfile all: ${BLDS} install: ${SRCS} ${BLDS} (cd ${.CURDIR} && ${INSTALL} ${INSTALL_COPY} -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 \ ${SRCS} ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune) ${INSTALL} ${INSTALL_COPY} -o ${BINOWN} -g ${BINGRP} -m 444 ${BLDS} \ ${DESTDIR}/usr/share/games/fortune fortunes.dat fortunes2.dat fortunes2-o.dat limerick.dat startrek.dat zippy.dat recipes.dat: ${STRFILE} -rs ${.CURDIR}/${.TARGET:R} ${.TARGET} fortunes-o.dat: fortunes-o ${STRFILE} -rsx fortunes-o ${.TARGET} fortunes-o: fortunes-o.${TYPE} tr [a-zA-Z] [n-za-mN-ZA-M] < ${.ALLSRC} > ${.TARGET} .include

Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, To find a woman with a spiral cunt. And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!

Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the brush after them.

The Stealth Condom cynergi -- they'll never see you coming.

Hindsight is an exact science.

What I'd like to see is a prohibition on Microsoft incorporating multi-megabyte Easter Eggs and other stupid bloatware into Windows and Office. A typical computer with pre-installed Microsoft shoveware probably only has about 3 megabytes of hard drive space free because of flight simulators, pinball games, and multimedia credits Easter Eggs that nobody wants. I predict that if Microsoft is ever forced to remove these things, thefreecountry.com: free programmers' resources, free webmasters' resources, free security resources the typical user will actually be able to purchase competing software now that they have some free space to put it on. Of course, stock in hard drive companies might plummet... -- Anonymous Coward, when asked by Humorix for his reaction to the proposed Microsoft two-way split

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

Kumquat, n.: Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" during orgasm. Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.

If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?

Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- it's what you do with what you have site map left. -- Hubert H. Humphrey

A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"

Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.

Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's your last sermon!" The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't main may!'"

After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically rummaging through a dresser drawer. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."

Q: Do you know what the death case study for content manager ondemand backup, recovery, and high availability #1: global voice and data communications company rate around here is? A: One per person.

Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things."

"Trespassers, eh?" -farmer "No, sir. We're amusement park patrons." -Fry "Oooh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's okay, but the rest is mighty wicked." -farmer

Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.

Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases technical topics - desktop in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

"Let me put it to you this way, I am not a revengeful person." George W. Bush December 2000 From a Time magazine interview, published in the December 25, 2000 issue.

If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner

Money is the php tutorial part 2: form validation, disabling browser caching, embedding html code (thesitewizard.com) root of all evil, and man needs roots

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown

Labia majora, n.: The curly gates.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.

Mathematicians take sql server oracle migrate mysql it to the limit.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.

Adopting the freshlinks metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.

"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!"

When God created man, She was only testing.

For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was raised!

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

A rapist who reeked of cheap booze Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. She cried, "I suppose There's no time for my clothes, But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"

Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects, jdbc[tm] connector such as data structures.

Reagan can't ___act either.

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words

Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Politicians do it parallelism in websphere information integrator v8.2 to everyone.

Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, "Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself!" "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." "How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly have been worse?" "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead right now."

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished sourceforge.net: exiting with error in the same time as `_n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.

You writing for sswug.org will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

Save a forest - eat a beaver!

Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added luxury that you never feel hungry. Here's how the diet works: FOODS ALLOWED First Month: One egg Second Month: A raisin Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you.

If your OS needs a virus detector... RUN!!! ...Out and buy Linux! -- Tim Wright

She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.

Yes... I feel your pain... but as a former first poster (I scored mine a couple months ago) I know what you went through. Here's where you screwed up though... YOU DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER. You didn't carpe diem. Yep... When I or1cedar saw that nice clean article with no posts I didn't hesitate, yes the adrenaline was surging... my palms were wet, heart pounding. I was standing at the peak of greatness... I knew I had but one thing to do, there was no turning back now... I rapidly typed in a one word post.. then with no hesitation I navigated my mouse over the submit button... and WHAM.. seconds later I was looking at my feeble post with a #1 attached to the header. At that mmoment I knew a feeling that only few will ever know... I was at one with Slashdot... Zen masters and Kings will relate I'm sure. That one sweet moment when the ying and the yang converge... bliss... eternal bliss... ahhh! Then I smoked a cigarette and went to bed. -- Anonymous Coward, in response to a "First Post!" that clearly wasn't.

Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be? A: A fur coat.

Windows 95 never has bugs. It just develops random features.

"`Er, hey Earthman...' `Arthur,' said Arthur. `Yeah, could you just sort of keep this robot with you and guard this end of the passageway. OK?' `Guard?' said Arthur. `What from? You just said there's no one here.' `Yeah, well, just for safety, OK?' said Zaphod. `Whose? Yours or mine?'" - Arthur drawing the short straw on Magrathea.

Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.

May a Misguided programacion Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts

Every time I think that perhaps we are an advanced race, I turn around and read ramblings on Slashdot, and realize I was wrong. -- From a Slashdot.org post

A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," apologized the rabbit. "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same problem!" "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do you think you could help me find out?" "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you suppose you could try and tell me?" The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!"

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. -- Edgar Berman

T-shirt of the Day: Head for the Mountains -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! -- courtesy someone else

God: mainframe extra: the resilient db2 Darwin's chief rival.

"The story goes that I first had the idea for THHGTTG while lying drunk javaone in a field in Innsbruck (or `Spain' as the BBC TV publicity department authorititively has it, probably because it's easier to spell)." - Foreward by DNA. FORD Six pints of bitter. And quickly please, the world's about to end. BARMAN Oh yes, sir? Nice weather for it.

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

reading a list of metadata collections using jet odbc If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.

Invasion of the Dancing Penguin Those annoying, dancing cartoon characters embedded in software applications are no longer confined to Microsoft programs. They have entered the realm of Linux. A new Linux distribution under development, called LinTux, promises to provide a more "user-friendly" environment through its "Dancing Penguin" assistant. Dancing Tux will "guide" users through the installation process and will be a permanent fixture of the X root window. The LinTux staff demonstrated a prototype version of the Dancing Tux program to this Humorix reporter. It was certainly impressive, but, like the Dancing Paper Clip in Microsoft Office, it becomes annoying very fast. The one redeeming feature of LinTux is that, when the system is idle, Dancing Tux becomes a make-shift screen saver. The animations included in the prototype were quite amusing. For instance, in one scene, Tux chases Bill Gates through an Antarctic backdrop. In another animation, Tux can be seen drinking beers with his penguin pals and telling Microsoft jokes.

Hackers have kernel knowledge.

H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.

Chastity: The most unnatural of oracle the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley

My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if they can tell one end of a gun from the other?

Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.)

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 MONOPOLI: Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the Boardwalk property.

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

If you want theacolyte divine justice, die. -- Nick Seldon

I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife

Nichts auf der Welt ist so gerecht verteilt wie der Verstand. Denn jedermann ist überzeugt, dass er genug davon habe. -- René Descartes, französischer Mathematiker u. Philosoph, 1596-1650

Why use Windows, since there is a door?

If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em.

A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. main memory object-relational database management system -- J. K. Galbraith

Das ist der größte Spaß, den ich je gehabt habe, ohne zu lachen. -- Woody Allen über Sex

A programmer down in Moline Said, I'm the match for any machine. My secret's aversion, To loops and recursion, Just acres of in-line routine. -- W.J. Wilson

A vacuum is a hell of a lot weblogs by subject (aka topic) better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams

BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."

There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small load!"

A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd.

I don't think they are going to give a shit about site map the Republican Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. -- Richard Nixon, 1972

You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles are asktom the biggest bastards on earth. -- John Lennon

Fry: Ah, the Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait until I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.

Humorix Holiday Gift Idea #8 Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky US$29.95 at BobsEcommerceSite.com Hollywood is full of shady street-side vendors selling "maps to the homes of the rich and famous" that are actually photocopies of photocopies of photocopies of an old 1984 Rand McNally map. But what about the Bay Area? Wouldn't you like to visit the homes and driveways of the rich and geeky in Silicon Valley? Wouldn't you like to see Linus Torvalds' residence? Wouldn't you like to drive by the home of permanent-interim-CEO Steve Jobs? Wouldn't you like to spit on the driveway of Bill Gates? Well, now you can. Bob's Map to the Homes of the Rich & Geeky is a full-color 128 page atlas filled with detailed instructions for finding the homes of 1,024 of the world's most famous geeks. From San Jose, to Seattle, to Austin, to Boston, Bob's Map is your passport to gawk at the homes of the rich and geeky.

Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. -- Raymond Chandler

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. (3) The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. theacolyte -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989

In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax ... -- John Simon

It's ten o'clock. Do db2 articles you know where your source code is? -- From a Slashdot.org post

Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.

"`You know they've reintroduced the death penalty for insurance company directors?' `Really?' said Arthur. `No I didn't. For what offence?' Trillian frowned. `What do you mean, offence?' `I see.'" - Evidence that there will be some justice in the Universe eventually.

"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains the popularity of this field of study in computer science.

Jesus Saves! (And Esposito scores thesitewizard.com: website design, promotion, cgi, php, javascript scripting, and revenue earning. on the rebound!)

America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of pussy along with it. -- Julius Lester