Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right

mysql oracle migrate mssql Q: What do you call 50 Microsoft products at the bottom of the ocean? A: A darned good start.

In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.

So you're back... about time...

Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." -- Stuart Keate

Bill Gates did not realize was that his daughter would grow up to be a rebel and would never use anything adobe press but Linux for her whole life.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul, A merry old soul was he. He called sql server worldwide user group help center (sql server, oracle, db2, xml) for his pipe, And he called for his drums, And he fiddled with his call girls three.

Mary had a little sheep, And with the sheep she went to sleep, The sheep turned out to be a ram, And Mary had a little lamb.

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

A mathematician named Hall Had a hexhedronical ball, And the square of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight, Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all.

Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up your ass, you ugly cunt." When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and your play can go fuck yourselves." At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's unhesitating retort. -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon

Hear about... sql server magazine offer details the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because she's a wonderful mount?

Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her java technology and web services breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."

A bobby of Nottingham Junction Whose organ had long ceased to function Deceived his good wife For the rest of her life With the aid of his constable's truncheon.

The box said "Requires Windows 95 or better." I can't understand why it won't work on my Linux computer.

For a good time, call 555-9485. Ask for Michael.

Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.

This telethon isn't just about helping disenfranchised geeks. We're also here for the betterment of mankind through our research into finding free security, privacy and anonymity resources (thefreecountry.com) a Cure for Windows. Each day, millions of man-hours are wasted due to design flaws in Microsoft Windows. Each day, millions of dollars are sent by business and individuals like yourself into a huge black hole known as "Microsoft" for exorbitantly priced software products that should be free. But don't worry. We've almost found a Cure for Windows. Geeks worldwide have toiled endlessly for the past eight years working on a replacement operating system called Linux. It's almost ready. Now we need to convince the world to use our creation and eliminate the virus known as Windows. -- Excerpt from Eric S. Raymond's speech during the Geek Grok '99 telethon held in Silicon Valley

Zisla's Law: If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl who uses bad words?" "Who told you?" "A little bird," answered the mother. "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been feeding the little bastards, too!"

A lady removing her scanties, Heard them crackle electrical chanties. Said her beau, "Have no fear, For the reason is clear: You simply have amps in en2 your panties.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber

He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation petefinnigan perfectly delightful. -- Sydney Smith

Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks her what that means. "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" "Yeah..." "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." "Yeah..." "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"

Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece as white as snow. It followed her to school one day, And got fucked by a big black dog.

Another Glitch in the Call ------- ------ -- --- ---- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.

"A family in Allentown, javaone Pennsylvania -- I campaigned with them the other day ... Under my plan, they get $1,800 of tax relief. Under Vice President Gore's plan, they get $145 of tax relief. Now you tell me who stands on the side of the fence." George W. Bush October 3, 2000 First Presidential Debate in Boston, Massachusetts.

There were the Scots Who kept the Sabbath And everything else they could lay their hands on. Then there were the Welsh Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. Thirdly there were the Irish Who never knew what they wanted But were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English Who considered themselves a self-made nation Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility.

Hear about... the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?

He freshlinks who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. -- George Bernard Shaw

Linux; a re-Gnu-able resource. -- Gareth Barnard

A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket Had a hole as big as a basket. A spot, as a bride, In it now, you could hide, And include with your luggage your mascot.

A dolly in Dallas named Alice, Whose overworked sex is all callous, Wore the foreskin away On uncircumcised Ray, Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.

Thank you. before I begin, I'd like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional, clear plastic binder...When a report looks this good, you know it'll get an A. That's a tip kids. Write it down. -- Calvin

With all the terms of service talent around, it's sort of amazing that a woman could be up here with us. -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner

When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls".

Bender: I believe that qualifies as ill. At least from a technical standpoint.

annuaire Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on gin. -- Ralph Nader

I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more, She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, And owns a liquor store.

There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson

"We need to change that attitude about how prolific we can be with the people's money." George W. Bush March 16, 2001

A vengeful technician named Schmitz Caused a disk drive to go on the redhat fritz. He covered the platter With bats' fecal matter. Now it's seek time is really the pits.

Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.

My pen is at the bottom of a page, Which, being finished, here installing and configuring db2 server the story ends; 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, But stories somehow lengthen when begun. -- Byron

Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O! With a chick-chick here, And a chick-chick there, Here a chick, There a chick, Everywhere a chick-chick, Old McDonald lost his farm 'Cause he had too many chicks!

[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen

Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.

For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast"). -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"

exotic dancer, n.: A girl about the informit network who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.

McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as which web host would you recommend? (reviews of best web hosts?) (thesitewizard.com) "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy eglobal for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. -- Jules Feiffer

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, which takes but one prick to break. -- Jordan Sand

Grain grows best in shit. -- Ursula K. LeGuin

Crash programs fail mark balbes, ph.d. because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun

Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. -- Little Richard

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." George W. Bush April 15, 2000 Comment made on NBC's Meet the Press.

"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. -- Chuq Von Rospach

"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."

"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want ibm exec defends proprietary middleware on linux one to marry my sister."

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.

During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot database at mine, over there."

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing java news brief::oci::may issue before you leave the house.

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce

Dance bhogal is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#7) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 7: What new features would there you like to see in Windows 2000? A. A marquee on the taskbar that automatically scrolls the latest headlines from MSNBC and Microsoft Press Pass B. Content filtration software for Internet Explorer that will prevent my children from accessing dangerous propaganda about Linux. C. A new card game; I've spent over 10,000 hours playing Solitaire during my free time at work and I'm starting to get bored with it D. A screensaver depicting cream pies being thrown at Janet Reno, Joel Klien, David Boies, Ralpha Nader, Orrin Hatch, Linus Torvalds, Richard M. Stallman, and other conspirators out to destroy Microsoft E. A Reinstall Wizard that helps me reinstall a fresh copy of Windows to fix Registry corruptions and other known issues

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure you're not a cop?" -- Larry Brown

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and publishing made an outline of my body. -- Joan Rivers

Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.

Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise products person to be able to sell it.

68: Do me now and I'll products owe you one.

Linux Ported to Homer Simpson's Brain SPRINGFIELD -- Slashdot recently reported on Homer Simpson's brain "upgrade" to an Intel CPU. Intel hails the CPU transplant as the "World's Greatest Technological Achievement". Intel originally planned to install Microsoft Windows CE (Cerebrum Enhanced) on Homer's new PentiumBrain II processor. However, due to delays in releasing Windows CE, Intel decided to install DebianBrain Linux, the new Linux port for brains. Computer industry pundits applaud the last minute switch from Windows to Linux. One said, "I was a bit concerned for Homer. With Windows CE, I could easily imagine Homer slipping into an infinite loop: "General Protection Fault. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh..." Or, at the worst, the Blue Screen of Death could have become much more than a joke." Some pundits are more concerned about the quality of the Intel CPU. "Linux is certainly an improvement over Windows. But since it's running on a PentiumBrain chip, all bets are off. What if the chip miscalculates the core temperature of the power plant where Homer works? I can just imagine the story on the evening news: 'Springfield was obliterated into countless subatomic particles yesterday because Homer J. Simpson, power plant button-pusher, accidentally set the core temperature to 149.992322340948290 instead of 150...' If anything, an Alpha chip running Linux should have been used for Homer's new brain."

Communists oci - about oci - contact us do it without class.

It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do free cd and dvd burning (writing) and copying software (thefreecountry.com) 'it) ...

Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams. -- Robin Williams

A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight implementing web applications with cm information integrator for content and ondemand web enablement kit Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call.

We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.

"`The first ten million years were the worst,' said Marvin, `and the second ten million, they were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.'" - Marvin reflecting back on his 576,000,003,579 year career as Milliways' car park attendent.

The newdatarecoveryinfo trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. -- George S. Kaufman

"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." -- Cal Keegan

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? A: With three more bullets.

premature ejaculator, n.: Troubled shooter.

A lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench developer home - products & technologies When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You could have been killed!" The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."

"For an adequate time call 555-3321"

Q: jdbc downloads and specifications What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? A: Hot cross bunnies!

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

Leela: Hold Still, I don't have claimsprospector good depth perception!

A girl camper once had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. When she gave him his hat She realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.

Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.

Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em.

Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get case study for content manager ondemand backup, recovery, and high availability #1: global voice and data communications company a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her.

QOTD: "Let go movinghelponline of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"

Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. Consequently I'm not self actualized. -- Calvin

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

Give thought to your reputation. mainframe extra: the resilient db2 Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

db2 articles Windows 2000: Designed for the Internet. The Internet: Designed for UNIX. -- From a Slashdot.org post

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- what ibm has in store H. L. Mencken

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert

Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot.

A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. -- Aristotle

In der guten alten Zeit, als der Sex noch schmutzig und die Luft noch sauber war . . . -- Herrmann, Armin, Dr.

College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead of the students, and even more sastools interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity. -- H. L. Mencken

The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer

"Does it worry you that you don't talk any kind of i'm hung up on main memory databases sense? "

(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the furniture, shelves, and showcases. (2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. Wash the windows once a week. (3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's business. (4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your individual taste. (5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage Works, 1872

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steve Wright

If you live in New York, wharton school publishing even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. -- Lenny Bruce

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.

I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any power to make things different is a bitch. -- Miles Davis

"It is easier single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails krapkowice to evoke a certain awful recognition. -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"

... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"

Q: What does the CE in Windows CE stand for? A: Caveat Emptor.

Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to firebird - relational database for the new millenium the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.