Nicht der Fall ist das Schlimme, sondern der plötzliche Stopp am Ende.

A pious young lady named Finnegan Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; what ibm has in store So time it aright, Make it last through the night, For I certainly don't want to sin again!"

"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

Fry: I want to see the edge of the universe. Amy: Ooh, that sounds cool. Zoidberg: It's funny. You live in the universe by you never do these things 'til someone comes to visit.

THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. We are talking about a lot of jobs. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout"

Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's your last sermon!" The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't main may!'"

A mystoryboard Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste! (By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)

It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...

Bender: "Hey, guess what you're accessories to?"

Some women are like musical glasses. To keep them in tune they must be wet. -- Samuel Coleridge

A about us slick talking pirate named Bruce To steal code, had a plan to seduce An Apple II+. Now Bruce wears a truss And was jailed for computer abuse.

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." George W. Bush February 1, 2000 From speech in Nashua, New Hampshire. Quoted in the New York Times.

If everybody minded their text flat file oracle extract cvs own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

NT 5.0 so vaporous it's in danger of being added to the periodic table as a noble gas. -- From Slashdot.org

Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle

Ogden's Law: The sastools sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!

Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, Mr. Joe Gideon!! -- All That Jazz

polish fly, n.: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.

McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of the passengers who were injured. "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you think when you saw this happen ?" I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run a railroad."

In specifications, articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.

A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.

Fry: "Maybe he has a parasite." Hermes: "Maybe he is a parasite."

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."

You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and tablesi skill to a bank robbery.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt

QOTD: I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.

Everyone talks about apathy, but no one redirection ____does anything about it.

Perfektion der Mittel - Konfusion der Ziele. -- Albert Einstein

Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.

Coito ergo sum

Man in stall: Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? Man at sink: No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in any of the other stalls either. A minute passes. Man in stall: Say, buddy? Man at sink: Yeah? Man in stall: You got change for a ten?

GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml burst in and caught then Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men stood lookout.

A young maiden from France was no prude, She decided to dive in the nude, But her buddy, behind, Went out of his mind, When he noticed where she was tatooed.

Dear Abby: I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? --Confused Dear Confused: php tutorial part 2: form validation, disabling browser caching, embedding html code (thesitewizard.com) If she coughs, fuck her.

The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and jdbc technology an old woman.

Bad spellers of the world UNTIE!

My family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me. Consequently I'm not self actualized. -- Calvin

When you have nothing to say, say nothing. -- Charles Caleb Colton

I thrive on change... I thrive on making other mystoryboard people change. -- Calvin

Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? A: One hell of a big moth!

"I don't feel like I've got all that much too important to say on the kind of big national issues." George W. Bush September 15, 2000 Spoken on ABC's 20/20.

A greedy young lady from Sidney Liked it in up to her kidney, Till a man from Quebec community Shoved it up to her neck-- He really diddled her, didn' he?

Windows NT source code now available... download WIN2000.BAS now! -- From a Slashdot.org post

How soon use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.

A lass at the foot of her class Asked a brainier chick how to pass. She replied, "With no fuss You can get a B-plus, By letting the prof pat your ass."

Infancy, n.: The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. -- Ambrose Bierce

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." George W. Bush October 22, 1999 Comment made while visiting Keene, New Hampshire.

In days of old, when knights were bold, And rubbers weren't invented, They tied their socks around their cocks And babies were prevented.

A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. jobs They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions.

Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

God products is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry

"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)

Smile . . . tomorrow will nanobase 1997 be worse

I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends java news brief::oci::february issue call it. -- Edgar Allan Poe

"Who can fathom the feminine mind?" -Calvin "I like `em anyway" -Hobbes

A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore.

A young lass got married at Chester; Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. introduction to websphere administration: exploring the differences in versions (sample chapter) Said she, "You're in luck -- 'E's a stunning good fuck, For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."

I have a funny daddy Who goes in and out with me And everything that baby does Daddy's sure to see, And everything that baby says, My daddy's sure to tell. You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. I hope he fries in Hell. -- Ogden Nash

"Please select mode of death: quick and painless or slow and horrible." "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call." -Fry "You have selected slow and horrible." -Automated voice "Great choice." -Bender

wisdomforce Platonic friendship: The interval between the introduction and the first kiss. -- Sophie Irene Loeb

Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum...

hypocrite, n.: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.

Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

"Look, it's our nebula. Whenever I see it I'll think back to when we en almost..." (nebula gets sucked into the black hole) "Oop. Nevermind." -Fry

She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple"

Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number of Clydesdales it experts-exchange would take to pull you off her.

oci - about oci - contact us The voice from the UFO cried 'To the smartest we'll give a free ride.' Several men volunteered, but the ship disappeared, with a whale and two dolphins inside.

The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. -- Bertrand Russell

Linux: transforms your microcomputer in a workstation. Windows NT: transforms your workstation in a microcomputer. -- Paulo F. Sedrez

God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills. -- en2 Lazarus Long

"`...we might as well start with where your hand is now.' Arthur said, `So which way do I go?' `Down,' said Fenchurch, `on this occaision.' He moved his hand. `Down,' she said, `is in fact the other way.' `Oh yes.'" - Arthur trying to discover which part of Fenchurch is wrong.

Nothing I do is my fault. -- Calvin

Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Art is anything you can get away with. eserver magazine -- Marshall McLuhan.

Chef, n.: Any cook who swears in French.

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Jesus Saves! (And Esposito scores on the rebound!)

In her first passion woman loves her lover, In all the others all community she loves is love. -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan"

In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." -- Winston Churchill

Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!

A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83

"Life is like a buffet; it's not thescripts good but there's plenty of it."

As far as we know, our jnb-aug-phx computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert

Always run from a knife and rush a gun. -- Jimmy Hoffa

"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." -- Howard Aiken

He: Do you like Kipling? She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!

A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, "Hi, honey, I'm home." There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when I get home." Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 CARTABLANCA: Bogart stars as the owner of a north african nightclub that sells only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer java.net - the source for java technology collaboration wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in which the much-hated German beer distributer is drowned in a vat.

"Hey, sexy mama. Wanna kill all the humans?" -Bender

Wenn 5 Leute in einen Raum gehen und 6 herauskommen dann muss einer wieder rein, experts-exchange damit der Raum leer ist.

The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog.

A madam who ran use these listings to locate free embedded linux resources on the web ... a bordello Put come in her pineapple jello, For the rich, sexy taste And not wanting to waste That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.

I brake for chezlogs!

A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. But a dropout from paree Taught him Gamahuchee So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.

A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a large button with the letters "NAA" on it. "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' men?" "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better hung than *anybody*." "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" "Running Bear Sheldon."

The Information Revolution will be fought on the command line. tablesi -- From a Slashdot.org post

Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young men remarked to his friend, "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being good for a man's virility?" "Yes, why?" the friend replied. "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."

Bitch, bitch, bitch -- That's all I ever hear, Ever since the dog ate the baby, "Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."

hermit, n.: A man who'd rather get off by himself.

Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at db2 sybase oracle migrate mssql a time.

If anything can go wrong, hughes technologies : the home of mini sql (msql) it will.

Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you. -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82

Diagnose? Erklaerungen? Reproduzierbare Loesungen? Sowas wollen nur Leute, die von EDV nichts verstehen.

An Aggie was appointed the java community process(sm) program - jsrs: java specification requests - detail jsr# 221 ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, yaki-san." Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! Bonsai!" Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, yaki-san!" The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

Chess tonight.

Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.

A lad of the brainier kind Had erogenous zones in his mind. He got his sensations, By solving equations, (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)

Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary idug and ca to deliver free db2/java webcast (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.

George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Fucking sweet!

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

Do dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software not overtax your powers.

Robot priest: And so we commend Vladimir's remains to the earth: filings to filings, rust to rust.

Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.

Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? A: Cusinart. Q: How do you get them back out? A: Doritos.

Jesus may love bgs-soft you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. -- Michael O'Donohugh

My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to stay that way. -- Al Capone

Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. Business before pleasure."

The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer

Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is microsoft access form resizer for ms access forms intimate, the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. -- Raymond Chandler

A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each received a telegram from their sister. It read: I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...

Q: What's ds the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste.

Never call a man a fool. java news brief::oci::september issue Borrow from him.

... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him about jamie's software as a fourth for bridge. -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19

Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. -- Tom Robbins

In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front is truth and righteousness, the cause cognos announces extended agreement with ibm of humanity and a crusade for peace. -- Walter Lippmann

In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.

A studious professor named Nestor Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. But she drained out his balls And skipped up the walls, Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

Jargon Coiner (#1) An irregular feature that aims to give you advance warning of new jargon that we've just made up. * WINCURSE: Loud expletive uttered when a Linux user comes face-to-face with a computer containing a WinModem. Example: "Eric wincursed when his mother showed him the new computer she bought from CompUSSR... which contained a WinModem and a WinSoundCard." * WIND'OH KEY: Nickname given to the three useless Windows keys that come on virtually all new keyboards. These keys are often hit by mistake instead of CTRL or ALT, causing the user to shout "D'oh!" * DE-WIND'OH!ED KEYBOARD: (1) A directory new keyboard produced without any wind'oh! keys or a "Enhanced for Windows 95/98" logo. Extremely rare. (2) A keyboard in which the wind'oh! keys have been physically removed.

Red Hat Unveils New Ad Campaign Linux distributor Red Hat has announced plans for a $650,000 ad campaign. The ads will appear on several major newspapers as well as on a few selected websites. "These ads will be targetted towards Windows users who are fed up but aren't aware of any OS alternatives," a Red Hat spokesman said. "We feel that there is a large audience for this." One of the ads will be a half page spread showing two computers side-by-side: a Wintel and a Linux box. The title asks "Is your operating system ready for the year 2000?" Both computers have a calendar/clock display showing. The Windows box shows "12:00:01AM -- January 1, 1900" while the Linux box shows "12:00:01AM -- January 1, 2000". The tagline at the bottom says "Linux -- a century ahead of the competition."

I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. database template library programmer's guide -- Firesign Theatre

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." George W. Bush January 21, 2000 From a speech given at Iowa Western Community College.

"Every morning I wake up. And dataconv when I wake up I go to the Oval Office." George W. Bush January 5, 2001 Town Hall Meeting in Ontario, CA. Source: C-SPAN.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman